Love is not enough

Communication is the heartbeat of a relationship.

I have come to the conclusion that in a relationship, the phrase I want to hear most often is not “I love you”, but “I have no Ego in this relationship”. I often sit and think about how relationships break, destroy us, and both parties suffer like fools when they actually love each other. *Why feel alone in a relationship when the other person is the love of your life? *Why do you feel like you want to leave when you have every reason to stay? *Why do you sometimes look at each other absently as if you’ve never met? Well, not all emotions, thoughts and actions that affect us are so obvious that we can put our finger on them. Some are so hidden that it takes years to realize a pattern you had, a need that came from God knows where, or maybe you were even creating an environment where your partner felt discouraged and judged even though your intentions were good. Intentions. When you love a person, all intentions are good, all emotions are positive, all thoughts are directed towards the good of the person you love. WRONG. We are human beings made up of a mixture of so many things — fears, desires, needs, emotions, traumas, feelings, ego. When we love, we love with everything we have, good or bad. How do you know that your intention to do something good for your partner is not to satisfy a need? — the need to control, the need to be heard, the need to feel useful. It happens all too often that we can overlook this issue without properly honoring it — by bringing it to light and understanding it. What we have negative in us must not be killed, hated, removed. On the contrary. It must be understood and loved. Only then we become aware that we have something in us that can cause suffering for others (as it can for us when it comes from others). The world changes through love. Pure, unconditional, boundless love. Let’s take a more concrete example. He comes and judges you for eating too many sweets. What do you do afterwards? Do you tell him how much you love him, that you feel judged and that he can express his perspective differently? HAHAHAHAH Funny. What usually happens is like this: either you get angry, or yell at him, or get colder, or judge him back. In short, someone comes with ego into your beautiful relationship, and you try to resolve the situation with what else but another bruised ego. This is where relationships break down the fastest. Why? Because people don’t trip over mountains, they trip over rocks. People don’t break up because something big and bad has happened in their lives, but because of little misunderstandings that are too common to overlook and hurt, like the Chinese drop. So what is the solution to such situations that drive us away from our loved one? It depends. But let’s take a few steps that will surely improve the relationship and that, even more surely, are infinitely better than the wounded ego fighting between you. 1. Explain what you feel, not what you think What’s the difference between “Hey, I understand it’s not healthy to eat so much sweets, but I feel happy” and “I think you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong”. Bingo. In the first case you show him that his action bothered/hurt you and you seem to be looking towards a solution. From there you can continue the discussion where you understand his perspective on sweets and the need to correct you, and you understand what is beyond feeling happy. How wonderful when you can understand more of this life together. :) In the second case, you hit him, accuse him of his judgement and subtly convey how stupid he is for judging you. Let’s be clear, judgments are toxic, but once understood they can be turned into different perspectives: we have the same goal, to be happy, but we sit in different parts of the same room. That’s all. 2. Look for the other side of the story Be open to admit when what you are doing is wrong, even if your intention is good. Often when we judge, and our partner tells us so, what is the first impulse? To wash our hands, to start explaining what a good heart we have and that we are trying to help them, to deny that we are hurting them. Here is a slightly harder battle because ego is king of the game. This is where we have to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was making you feel this way. I just want to know that you’re eating healthy and that you’re okay. How can I express that to you without hurting you?” Wow. And the whole narrative changes. You can’t attack someone who’s vulnerable to you and express love. You can’t. 3. Your misunderstandings are your own. I know how tempting it is to call all your friends and complain. We’re pretty good at complaining. But that doesn’t help us solve the problem, it helps us move away from solving it. First of all, friends won’t fix it, only you two can do that. Advice helps, but not when you ask 10 people for it. If your relationship is private, keep it private. Intimacy is an undeniable strength in a relationship. Otherwise, you’d post every time you make love on social media. Nah, that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Secondly, friends often get stuck in your side of the story and the only black sheep is your partner. You get some authority from your friends, you go back to your partner being sure you’re right and what comes out of it? — endless arguments. What needs to happen is to understand both sides of the story. Not everything in your mind is right. You go back to your partner and discuss all the details with them, open up, become vulnerable, resolve the situation, hug and that’s it. 4. Don’t overthink This is the most interesting one. If people should be world champions at anything, it would be overthinking. When you argue, when you have a dispute, we often go to our room, sit alone and start creating parallel universes. What if he thinks I’m fat, what if he actually wants to convey to me that I spend too much money on sweets, what if what if. It’s so exciting because the truth is at our partner, not in our mind. Keep it simple, don’t complicate your life. Go to the human you love and ask him the reason/truth etc. If you’re not happy with the answer, don’t accuse and judge in return, just ask more questions.

Alexandra Vasiliu, author of Blooming (photo)

Let’s love each other beautifully and create the world we want, full of love, not ego. AM xx . . . P.S. The above applies to other types of relationships, not just romantic ones. What other methods have you used that have saved the relationship?